AP PCS POLL, WEEK 4

AP1 ND40: Good things happen when you have RB Ernie on your team. Mr September lives up to the name. BIG Showdown vs MM next week

AP2 BUTTAFUOCO: Have won 2 close games. Not an impressive AP2 but winning games anyway. WR Donald Duck Dunn Driver is invisible.

AP3 MONTREAL: Winning Ugly. This is a sneaky team. MM trying to keep Jess Simpson far away from Clubhouse. Wants ND40 badly

AP4 TLICIOUS: RB LT is coming back. Tough loss this week. HYVEE QB Warner is wacky.

AP5 JOE LOUIS: Loses to AP8 ROSS. It was a bad bye week for them but we can rank them behind TLIC until next weeks clash

AP6 FLC: The defending champ not getting any breaks. Last 2 losses by a combined 3 points. Naperville is not giving up hope. WR Hines will not show his face in NAPERVILLE this week.

AP7 ROSS: When you beat AP1 team by 20 plus you rise to AP7. All of a sudden, the city of Red Oak believes. A win next week and the paper bags turn to clip on beards

AP8 KC BEES: The software hates QB Carson and the owner. Software wants to partner with ND40 next year. Software hates everything right now

Oh Butta....

Folks, Heather Locklear

Nice mug shot of ROSS Cheerleader. Things are looking up in Red Oak

John Elway Engaged to Former Oakland Raider Cheerleader!

Awwww...aren't the kids cute? The wife-to-be is former Raiiiiiddder (channeling my best Chris Berman) cheerleader Paige Green.

Johnny should know better than to take his troops into enemy territory but I gotta admit...it's nice territory.

Best of luck to the future Elway-Greens.

Green-Elways?

Whatever.

Enjoy helping him floss those horse teeth every night, Paige.

This has been your PFL Hollywood Minute update.

BUTTAFUOCO PICKS, WEEK 4

Buttapicks.com
1-888-BIG-MONY

We’ll what a week 2! We have 5 teams at 2-1. ROSS is only 2 games back. Speaking of ROSS, they break an old record. TLICIOUS downs ROSS. Perhaps if RB Westy doesn’t get hurt, we would have had a different scenario. JOE LOUIS is AP1 once again. After spending most of last year in that slot, they are right back at the top again. JOE LOUIS beats an underachieving, disappointing BUTTAFUOCO. KC BEES get a big win over the former AP1 ND40. We think KC is on the move. Perhaps the game of the week was MM beating defending champion FLC by just a few. It came down to the last minutes of MNF. MONTREAL is another team with some potential. This week will provide some separation in the standings with a HUGE Tlicious vs ND40 tussle. Winner gets some or all of first place.


WHO’S HOT: MONTREAL W2
WHO’S NOT: ROSS L10


GAME OF THE WEEK
AP4 ND40 (2-1) -9 vs AP3 TLIC
LAST SEASON SERIES: TLIC 2-1

A rematch of last years TOILET BOWL. Always an epic battle. This is our GOTW. Both teams want to avoid the mediocre 2-2 mark. The league is tight and every W matters. The two clubs have met in a SUPA BOWL and a TOILET BOWL. Folks, TLIC RB LT is back! And he usually eats up the Raiders. TLIC RB REG has been quality so far but it wont last. This week these two will be tough. ND40 RB AP and Earnest will have a tough task keeping up. What is going on with the FA WRs in this tilt? That’s just wrong. Its as wrong as Kurtie with a George Hamilton tan. ND40 Stuckey? TLIC Meachem and Bryant? Desperation with byes in week 4 already? Actually, buttapicks.com had WR Meachem in their “super-sleeper” category in August. The kid has got skills. ND40 Stuckey will need some mojo. You gotta give the WR edge to ND40. ND40 WR Dwayne Bowe is freak but has to overcome the problems around him. We do like him this week. ND40 WR Jennings will be big. ND40 will really take advantage with TE Witten in this one. ND40 BY 9


SECOND BEST GAME
AP2 BUTTA (2-1) -7 vs AP7 FLC (1-2)
LAST SEASON SERIES: FLC 3-0

And here is the REMATCH OF SUPA BOWL VIV. FLC remarkably swept this series last year. First time ever. FLC wins a very close SUPA BOWL and Naperville is finally put on the football map. Both teams are trying to figure out who they are. Only Denny Green knows. BUTTA QB Edwards looks like he’ll get the start although that can change any moment. BUTTA RBs Marshawn is in for a big game but we cant say the same for RB Action Jackson. FLC RBs Portis and Perry need to come up big. The BUTTA WR trio (TO, Smitty and Donald Duck Driver) is scary, so FLC Wide outs (AJ, Coles and Hines) must produce. Anything can happen with FLC QB Cutler taking the snaps, so you cant be too confident if you take BUTTA but we say BUTTA gets SUPA BOWL REVENGE and wins by a TD.



BYE WEEK BOWL
AP5 MONTREAL (2-1) -2 vs AP6 KC BEES (1-2)
LAST SEASON SERIES: TIE 1-1

Both teams are filled with bye weeks. This will makes things very interesting this week. A MM win and they are sitting very pretty with a share of 1st place. A KC BEE loss and they have to start digging. KC is 1-2 but we are pimping this squad. KC WRs Marshall and Fitzy will be very good this week. KC RB Marion is a buttapicks.com favorite and he always comes correct. We think KC QB Carson will make up some big numbers this week. We are very concerned about KC RB Edge, so MM must capitalize with their RB Combo of Forte and Tommy Jones. MM QB Romo should have a big game again but we cant go against KC this week. KC BY 10.


GUT PICK OF THE WEEK
AP1 JOE LOUIS LIONS (2-1) -12 vs AP8 ROSS (0-3)
SEASON SERIES: JOE 2-0

Merciful Heavens. This game couldn’t have come at a worse time for ROSS. We don’t need an 11 game losing streak in the city of Red Oak. Fans are revolting. ROSS Football is the only thing these people live for. The gut is feeling quezzy. Now, the gut knows JOE LOUIS has major bye issues this week but the gut doesn’t think ROSS RBs LenDale and Buckhalter can do anything. Even new ROSS QB Big Ben makes the gut not very excited. JOE LOU RBs Fat Turner and Gore could have really big days. The gut has nothing good to say about ROSS except this will be a pretty close game for ROSS but they wont win. The gut cant take ROSS until hes sees a "W". ROSS loses 11 straight. JOE by 12

AP PCS POLL, WEEK 3

AP#1 JOE LOUIS: Back at #1 and gets ROSS next week. The rest of the league could be chasin again

AP#2 BUTTAFUOCO: Bad loss but they beat TLIC who is AP3. QB's are banged up. Thats a concern

AP#3 TLICIOUS: beats AP8 ROSS. Will need to step it up for showdown with ND40. Shockey gets hurt and dropped. Harsh.

AP#4 ND40: Falls down to AP4 after very disappointing week.

AP#5 MONTREAL: A huge win and MM is winning ugly

AP#6 KC BEES: Look out for this team. They are going to get better

AP#7 FLC: Naperville is on a roller coaster ride. A win verses BUTTA and they should be AP3 or better

AP#8 ROSS: The record 10 game losing streak and ROSS is talking about moving the team. Red Oak is not happy. The paper bags are out.

BUTTA PICKS, WEEK 3

Hello. Im Brent Musburger. I am here to give you buttapicks.com……here on CBS. First off, Ive heard most of you are Iowa HACKeye fans. Well, its been a fun year for you thus far. The HACKeyes are fun to do play-by-play for. I cheer for the Buckeyes ever so slightly when they play the HACKeyes. I like Hayden Fry. Anyway, I love Pastygangsta football and that is why I am here. And how about that week 2. An amazing display of football. How about ND40? A surprise AP1. ND40 brings it with authority. They crushed ROSS. They are something like 34-7 in September. The BUTTAFUOCO STALLIONS beat TLICIOUS in last weeks finest battle. Butta QB McNabb is one heck of a quarterback. Butta wins by 3 points (buttapicks spread was 3) and is AP#2 right where they finished last year. The defending PCS National Champion Fun Lovin Criminals proved to everyone they are no one year wonder. FLC beats KC but the KC BEES fought to the very end. They come WAY back but not enough as FLC brings home a win. MONTREAL shocks JOE LOUIS. This win was huge for MONTREAL. They need momentum. JOE LOUIS has only lost four games in their Pastygangsta lives. Folks, lets break these games down.

WHO’S HOT: ND40 W2, BUTTA W2
WHO’S NOT: ROSS L9, KC BEES L2


GAME OF THE WEEK
AP2 BUTTA (2-0) -3 vs AP4 JOE LOU (1-1)
LAST SEASON SERIES: BUTTA 2-1

Folks, this is the old guard meets the new. Last year, JOE LOUIS comes in and thinks they are cool. They win the regular season championship BY going 12-2. Then they meet the Evil Empire, the Master of Disaster, The King of Sting, Americas Team…the BUTTAFUOCO STALLIONS. Butta wins and destroys the dreams and hopes of JOE in their very first season. Unbelievable. Folks, this week BUTTA got one of his all-time favorite players in WR Steve Smith. The media has said they gave too much but Butta wants guys on their team that want to play da foosball. JOE LOUIS has incredible RB matchups this week. RB Orange Julius and Gore have cupcakes in front of them. They both should have fine numbers. These 2 backs could really put a hurtin on Buttafuoco. BUTTA RB Marshawn is a Butta man. Butta will either go with RB Action Jackson or one of the rookies. We expect above average production out of them. BUTTA WRs TO, Smitty and Driver are arguably the best trio in the league. JOE LOU WR Moss is very questionable from here on out but JOE WR Calvin is turning into a freak. This game will be high-scoring and close. The game will come down to JOE LOU WR Chambers on MNF but he will come up two points short. BUTTA BY 3


AP3 FLC (1-1) -4 vs AP6 MONTREAL (1-1)
LAST SEASON SERIES: TIE 1-1

Folks, a big game for both. The defending champions verses a team searching for an identity. MM has only two winning seasons. MONTREAL needs to start 2-1. FLC has a new identity. That of a winner. If only Sara Lee and Debbie knew that he’d be set. Going 1-2 after a Supa Bowl year wont cut it for the high maintenance folk of Naperville. Now, weve had this conversation before but whose moms are hotter? Carrolton, TX, Naperville, IL or West Des Moines, IA? We’d have to go with the HACKeye State. All of a sudden I really like this MONTREAL team. MM QB Romo will be throwin silly but FLC has found his franchise QB in QB Jay. How about MM WR Plax? He’ll be tough to stop this week. FLC WR Devery has to do something. He needs a 20 point game. I love FLC QB Cutler in this game and I feel the hot QB can carry a team. Right now, FLC QB Jay is that guy. If it wasn’t for him we’d go with MONTREAL all the way. FLC wins a close game on the arm of Jay Cutler.



AP1 ND40 (2-0) -2 vs AP7 KC BEES (0-2)
LAST SEASON SERIES: KC BEES 2-0

What can you say about NORTH DALLAS FORTY? Looking powerful. A #1 ranking in the PCS. KC BEES are slowly getting it back together after the QB Brady injury. The Software has been thrown off course. This game could make ND40 a force. KC cant go 0-3 or the software will start taking hostages. It’s a tremendous matchup. The big story of this game KC QB Eli vs ND40 QB Peyton. Archie will be in the ND40 suite which kind of makes us suspicious. I mean, what about the KC box or even Dayna’s Big 12 suite. ND40 and DAYNA in separate suites? Where is TMZ when you need them? KC WR Ocho Fucko just doesn’t seem like a KC kinda guy. Yet, KC is going with him again. Look out for KC WR Fitz, Marshall and RB Marion Jr. They will be very difficult on ol’ ND40. ND40 has great depth as well with RB Adrian, RB Earnest, WR Jennings and great TE Witten. Folks, this will be a high scoring slugfest and very close. We are going to go with hot ND40 but this one can go either way.


GUT PICK OF THE WEEK
AP5 TLICIOUS (1-1) -3 vs AP8 ROSS (0-2)
SEASON SERIES: TLIC 2-0

Merciful Heavens. ROSS is in danger of breaking a 10 year old record. Can ROSS RB LJ do anything to stop it? ROSS has called out RB LJ in the media and that is never good. RB LJ has done the same. TLIC is trying to get over a difficult defeat to the Stallions. The gut wants no part of a record breaking game. He feels bad for ROSS, who had their dream season not long ago. In fact, this matchup was the SUPA BOWL that year. The gut thinks this one will be a great game and he never thinks that. ROSS trying not to break the record is enough drama to make this a GOTW. This one will be exciting and will be decided on MNF. TLIC WR Crotch and K Nate verses ROSS TE Gates and WR Vinnie. Folks it comes down to that and guess what the gut thinks? ROSS by1. WOW. The gut likes to take risks….like ND40 at a Harrahs buffet.

ANSWER THE FVCKING POLL QUESTIONS. IT ONLY TAKES 5 SECONDS. LAZY ASSES

We’ll Im Brent Mushburger and this has been fun. We’ll see you next time. Enjoy IOWA vs PITT on ESPN 2 at 11am this SATURDAY.

Yahoo Headline: "Why Tony Kornheiser apologized last night"

Uhhhh....because he sucks?

No, apparently there's more to it than that.

http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/blog/shutdown_corner/post/Why-Tony-Kornheiser-apologized-last-night?urn=nfl,108035

AP PCS POLL, WEEK 2

AP#1 ND40: ND40 loves September. Its been a long time since they grabbed AP#1. Now the get WR Steve Smith back

AP#2 BUTTA: Benches QB Ben and puts QB Donny in. Butta wins. QB Donny and WR TO on the same team?

AP#3 FLC: Naperville is back. The Supa Bowl hang over is no longer a worry

AP#4 JOE LOUIS: Where did RB Turner go? JOE has never been this low in the rankings.

AP#5 TLICIOUS: Tough loss but now gets troubled Red Oak

AP#6 MONTREAL: WR Royal comes through

AP#7 KC BEES: Software says QB Brady is faking injury

AP#8 ROSS: Red Oak is officially in a football recession. Could break record with 10th loss in a row. Emergency town meeting tonight where ROSS must explain.

FLC's Weekend

When your place kicker has more points that your opponent's starting QB, it's going to be a good one.

Matt, to loosely paraphrase from the movie War Games: "Mr. KC Bees, after very careful consideration, sir, I've come to the conclusion that your draft software sucks."

BUTTA PICKS, WEEK 2

BUTTA PICKS goes 1-3 in week 1. Just keep playin’. We have never had a losing season. Week one was a doozie. ND40 comes back to win SCHERF BOWL XX. ND40 couldn’t lose that one and they come through. The other big story is KC QB Brady. A shocking blow to KC. Now, KC QB Cassel enters the picture. Can KC overcome? ROSS hits 8 on the losing streak and now is one away from tying himself, FLC and ND40 for the record 9 losses in a row.. BUTTA gets win #95 on the all-time list. JOE LOUIS is AP1 yet again. TLICIOUS holds of MM to win their last 3 contests. Everyone in Naperville is worried about the Supa Bowl hangover. Lets kick week 2 in the Worlds Greatest Fake Football League.


WHO’S HOT: TLIC W3
WHO’S NOT: ROSS L8


GAME OF THE WEEK
AP4 BUTTA (1-0) -3 vs AP3 TLIC (1-0)
LAST SEASON SERIES: BUTTA 2-0

Last season wasn’t even close. Both games were big victories for BUTTA. This season both teams start out with very good performances. The two teams are the most successful teams in league history. A great GOTW. The reunion of TLIC and QB Warner bring back the old days of juggling apples and other produce in the back room of a darkly lit Altoona HyVee. Warner sending TLIC deep as he throws a perfect spiral with the Sara Lee pound cake, only as the Sara Lee pound cake deflecting off the hands and chest of TLIC pegs the unassuming female assistant manager in the tats. Folks those days are long gone. We’ll see how long this reunion lasts. TLIC WR Wayne faces BUTTA for the first time in a long time. TLIC WR REG is an all-time fav of Butta (owned him 3 years in a row…..and I do mean OWNED) and quite frankly this matchup is very awkward for both. TLIC strength this week is the RB tandem of RB LT and Big Brandon. BUTTA QB Big Ben and WR San Antonio need to get going and they will this week. The boo birds came out last week for BUTTA RB Action Jackson and there is much to prove this week. BUTTA RB Marshawn is a BUTTA favorite and is naming his next kid after him. Folks, this will be a close game. BUTTA has its hands full with the TLIC RB tandem but all BUTTA WR’s are going to out-do trader TLIC WR Reggie and Butta wins by a “My Bironis” FG. BUTTA will need WR TO to come back and win the game on MNF. BUTTA BY 3


BATTLE OF NORTH TEXAS
AP2 ND40 (1-0) -13 vs AP6 RED OAK SEA SNAKES (0-1)
LAST SEASON SERIES: ND40 2-0

We here at buttapicks.com love this game. The freaking BATTLE OF NORTH TEXAS. Folks, is ND40 BACK? Mr. September is back??!! We think so. As for ROSS, they cannot afford to go 0-2. THIS IS A BIG GAME IN A BIG STATE. The ND40 RBs are rock solid in RB Fast Will and RB AP. All of a sudden, the ND40 WRs look mighty fine. And then, you have a breakout QB in ND40 QB Rodgers. Folks, look out. Also, great matchups for ND40. ROSS puts all the weight on QB Derek’s shoulders. He and ROSS WR Braylon better let loose. ROSS TE Gates better suck it up. A major story of this game is if ROSS RB LJ can put together a good game this week. All the ROSS pieces must fit the puzzle this week. Folks, ND40 rolls and we think they are back to the PASTYGANGTA elite. This team has a very successful track record in September. This is an up year, A COY kind of year. We see it. They will be a solid AP2 or even 1 after this week. ND40 by 13


SO-SO GAME OF THE WEEK
KC BEES (0-1) -2 vs FLC (0-1)
LAST SEASON SERIES: FLC 2-1

Lets take you back to last December, a cold December afternoon. SUPA BOWL SEMI-FINAL PLAYOFF GAME…FLC upsets KC and goes on to win SUPA BOWL VIV. After week one, both teams are 0-1 and sweating just a little. In week 2, the defending champion FLCs face a shell-shocked KC Bees squad who just lost QB Brady. Enter KC QB Carson. A tough spot for KC to be in. The good news for them is KC WR Marshall is back. Along with KC WR Fitz this is a nice WR duo this week. As for KC WR Chad Zero, that’s as unpredictable as ND40 putting a one dollar chip on Kelsy’s buttocks. KC RB features the mighty RB Barber and he will be fine. FLC QB Gerrardo needs to put this team on his shoulders….the other two that need to get it going are FLC RBs Clinton and Selly. The FLC WR trio are strong but they need go out and show it. FLC WR Andre and Colston are money players. FLC WR Hines was great last week. This FLC bunch needs to show up. KC comes back with force in this one but its gonna be very close. KC RB Barber closes the show on MNF. KC by 2


GUT PICK OF THE WEEK
AP8 MONTREAL (0-1) -3 vs AP1 JOE LOUIS (1-0) (GUT)
AP1 JOE LOU (1-0) -8 vs AP8 MONTREAL (0-1) (BUTTAPICKS.COM)
SEASON SERIES: JOE LOU 2-0

Merciful heavens. JOE LOUIS is back or so he thinks. MONTREAL is not happy with AP8. The gut loves games like this. It looks like another JOE LOU victory but it doesn’t sit well with the gut. The gut says this has upset written all over it. MM is no slouch with QB Romo, WR Plax, WR Houch and WR Driver. MM RBs T-Jones and super rook RB Forte. The gut likes it. The real reason the gut doesn’t like JOE. JOE RB Turner. Turner’s gut is bigger than “The Gut”. Gut says JOE RB Turner’s gut is a fraud. He has challenged him to a “gutfest”. No sure what that is but it sounds scary. We pick JOE LOUIS by 8. The gut says MM by 3. Sorry, don’t know what to tell you.

AP PCS POLL, WEEK 1

AP PCS POLL

AP#1 JOE LOUIS: Looks like they are picking up where they left off. Wishes KC Brady pain and that’s not nice

AP#2 ND40: Not used to living away from Bed and Breakfast Basement. Butta accuses ND40 of trying to steal WR Royal.

AP#3 TLICIOUS: Still loves QB Warner. Should re-name team HYVEE Alumni. Still mad they couldn’t grab WR Royal from ND40.

AP#4 BUTTAFUOCO: TE Todd Heap has left building but stole TE Fasano’s luggage. BUTTA QB Don McNabb thinks Butta organization is racist after starting QB Big Ben. BUTTA is pissed after KC stole WR DeSean Jackson.

AP#5 FLC: Naperville is back to normal after “stunning” SCHERF BOWL loss. Looks like a Supa Bowl hangover. Naperville mayor says, “It must stop. We need a win next week or no parade…ever….again”

AP#6 ROSS: WR Anquan wants a trade and Red Oak city council is holding press conference on Tuesday at 2pm about current 8 game skid.

AP#7 KC BEES: Software has gone goofy concerning QB Bradys devastating injury. Software blames KC saying he is bad luck. Software says, “No Cassel!!”. KC says, “Yes Cassel”.

AP#8 MM: MONTREAL wants no part of the “GUT PICK” game next week but they are gonna get it.

Todd "Trash" Heap

Heap fumbles on lone catch(www.sportsline.com/nfl/players/playerpage/235215)

Ravens TE Todd Heap caught a pass from rookie QBJoe Flacco on the opening drive Week 1 against the Bengals, but after converting the first down, he fumbled the ball and it was recovered by Cincinnati.

Heap only caught one of the five passes thrown his way for five yards.

Flacco tried to get Heap involved in the game plan, but after he fumbled on the first catch and then dropped a touchdown in the end zone in the second quarter, the rookie QB lost faith. There was even one point Heap got drilled by a Cincinnati defender and laid on the ground for a few minutes. It was a rough Week 1.

Buttafuoco Stallions management quickly responded by waiving Heap but not before officially retiring the TE's jersey in an emotional ceremony that took place by the loading dock doors at the Stallions training facilities in Waukee, Iowa.

The Stallions GM and head coach, Adam Lowell, suggested that Heap's departure leaves, "a big gap on the roster for consistently underperforming and overall disappointing talent".

Lowell did express optimism that RB Earnest Graham could quickly replace Heap's role on the roster as a no-talent ass clown.

Ethan Albright Strikes Back

by: JUAN TURLINGTON
http://www.thephatphree.com/features.asp?StoryID=3159&SectionID=2

To: John Madden
CC: Electronic Arts Sports
From: Ethan Albright
Re: Being the worst rated player on Madden ‘07

Hi, John, my name is Ethan Albright. I play line for the Washington Redskins. You probably already knew that, so I’ll continue. I am writing in regards to the overall player rating of 53 that I have received in Madden NFL Football 2007. I feel that this is fucking bullshit and you should kiss my mother-fucking ass. Ahmed Carroll was rated a 78 and the Packers just cut his ass on a Tuesday morning after his performance in a Monday night game. That is pretty terrible. The worst part is that his overall rating was sniffing 80.

You know what, John? Two can play this game. I rate you a fucking 12. I rate you a fucking 12 in Ethan Albright Football 2000-ever… except for in the category of ball-licking. That is where I will spot you a 98 rating. You will receive this score because I will never give your blubbery ass a 99 in any category. Take that, pencil-dick. Go do Al Micheals or something. Boom. Score one for Red Beard.

It’s also pretty wonderful that my awareness rating was 59. You make it sound like I wake up in the morning, helplessly shit and piss myself, then lose three of my teeth before I discover that I am trying to eat a rock for breakfast. Fuck, John, I understand you saying that I am slow and lacking athleticism, but a rating like this pretty much labels me as retarded. Rod “He Hate Me” Smart has a 52 in this category. Electronic Arts is saying that seven rating points separate me and the breathing embodiment of the perfect oxymoron. Rod Smart struggled to arrange words in sentence form. Cave men had better hold of the English language. The only actions that separate point values of ignorance at this embarrassing level are things like using your own toothbrush to wipe your ass. I basically edged out Rod by my lack of shit teeth. If I take a night school class, could you bump me up to a 60?

I guess I just can’t fathom the fact that I am the absolute worst player rated out of the entire NFL. Fuck, man, there are some shitty guys out there. Amongst everyone, I was rated the absolute worst.

I have received the impression that you feel that I am lacking in the agility category. I should consider a walk through my living room where I don’t crash through a wall or kick over furniture a resounding success. My agility rating on your game is 33. It makes it sound like I just topple over if I start walking too fast. Ted Washington is rated a 40 in agility. He is listed at 365 pounds. If Ted Washington tied a white lady up and made her wear a metal bikini, he’d look just like Jabba the Hut.

John, you are such a fucking dick. I also noticed that my kick return rating was a 0. I was rated a fucking zero? So you feel that I shouldn’t even receive a 10, or even a 5? You are pretty much saying that I couldn’t even fall forward on a ball kicked in my direction. I would just stand there and let the ball bounce off of my fucking face. Fuck that, John, I returned an onside kick 6 yards in 2002. You should have just slapped a - 4 on me and had the EA staff ambush me with paintball guns.

Finally, I would like to comment on an unlikely topic, my pass coverage ratings. I see that I am a better at man-to-man coverage (31) than zone (21). Fuck me sideways with a lunchbox. Where did these scores even come from? How much time is spent coming up with the pass coverage ratings of offensive lineman? Can I have that job? Let’s see here, I think that Orlando Pace would be slightly better at jumping intermediate routes than Larry Allen. While I’m at it, I can assign the passing ratings for offensive lineman as well. I can use mine as a guide.

I was rated with a throwing power of 17 and accuracy of 16. Orlando Pace has a 22 power and 17 accuracy rating. Did someone at EA really put time into figuring out that Orlando Pace edges out Ethan Albright in both throwing power and accuracy? I will challenge him any day. My horrible passer ratings are of greatest misfortune to my son, Red Beard Jr. The poor boy is not only hideously ugly and covered by freakishly large freckles. He also has to suffer through playing catch with me and my senile-elderly-woman-type passer ratings. A session of tossing the pigskin usually consists of me missing my son by thirty yards in sporadic directions. I led him in front of a fire truck once and my wife kicked my ass. This is because of my 76 toughness rating. Yes, a 76 is far better than the other ratings, but I’m a fucking lineman, damn it. NFL Linemen are considered to be synonymous with toughness. According to your game, I am a retarded, uncoordinated, pussy-ass fuckwad that can’t fall on a kickoff, throw, or spell. I am, however, slightly better at manning up on a receiver than dropping into zone coverage. You lose your mind more and more each year, old man

Fuck you, John. Please expect to find red pubes in various meals you consume for the rest of your life. If you fuck with Ethan Albright, you call down the thunder.

Rot in Hell,

Ethan Albright

ND40 WR Denny Northcutt Not Off To Good Start

A pregnant woman who says that Jacksonville Jaguars wide receiver Dennis Northcutt is the father of her baby has filed a lawsuit against him, claiming that he and people with him beat her up because she wouldn't have an abortion.

TMZ.com is reporting that the woman, Sharri Henry, says that on May 17, when she was four months pregnant, Northcutt got his cousin to "maliciously assault, beat, strike and batter ... her face and head with great force and violence ... causing severe and permanent disfigurement to her face."

And Henry's lawyer said Northcutt was part of a group (which also includes his current girlfriend) that confronted Henry and demanded that she have an abortion. According to the lawyer, she refused, and that's when the cousin attacked.

Henry filed a police report, but Northcutt was apparently not charged. Henry is now seven months pregnant.

ND40 had no comment except, "we didnt vett him". This has complicated matters even further. Not only has ND40 fans and other league owners frown upon this late round pick but Sarah Palin put her two cents in. She told TMZ.com, "What is ND40 doing. He certainly hasnt helped his COY nomination. He must drop him quickly and find a more suitable replacement at WR. Perhaps Joe Horn."

BUTTA PICKS, WEEK 1

Don’t look now. Buttapicks.com is back for a 10th season. When we last left you, FLC won their first league championship. Naperville finally had their parade. Anyway, for the first time ever we have a Week 1 SCHERF BOWL. This is the 20th meeting. Unbelievable! The SCHERF CUP needs to be remodeled as this trophy is as popular as ever. We’ll work on that. ND40 hasn’t seen the CUP in a while and would love to bring it back to North Texas. The big story comes from Red Oak where they bring in a 7 game losing streak. In Red Oak, all they live for is this football team. The fans are pissed after last years shenanigans. “Return of the Beard” is this years rallying cry. Another great matchup brings us two of last years dominant teams, JOE LOU and KC BEES. AP PCS Polls will be released on Tuesday morning.

2007 CHAMPIONSHIPS
SUPA BOWL VIV: FLC 153, BUTTA 146
TOILET BOWL VIV: T-LIC 141, ND40 134

Who’s HOT: FLC, TLIC W2
Who’s NOT: ROSS L7

GAME OF THE WEEK

SCHERF BOWL XX

HISTORY

1999- I- ND40 179, FLC 152
II- ND40 112, FLC 65

2000- III- FLC 197, ND40 121
IV- FLC 141, ND40 127

2001- V- FLC 144, ND40 121
VI- FLC 148, ND40 91

2002-VII- ND40 182, FLC 107
VIII- ND40 132, FLC 82

2003- IX- ND40 145, FLC 140
X- ND40 167, FLC 162

2004- XI- FLC 148, ND40 106
XII- ND40 178, FLC 118
XIII- ND40 179, FLC 144

2005- XIV- ND40 178, FLC 127
XV- ND40 140, FLC 100

2006-XVI- FLC 146, ND40 97
XVII-FLC 172, ND40 120

2007-XVIII- FLC 134, ND40 120
XIX- FLC 167, ND40 121


SCHERF BOWL XX
FLC (0-0) -7 vs ND40 (0-0)
LAST SEASON SERIES: FLC 2-0

The granddaddy of them all turns 20. ND40 is due. ND has lost 4 straight in this game and if you look at the trend ND40 is where the smart money goes. We would like to think that anyway. ND40 QB Pimples is finally ready to go. A fresh ND40 RB Adrian on MNF should be money for ND40. The ND40 WR trio is where the problems are. ND40 will need someone to step up. ND40 TE Witten is the best and he can really help out the pass catching issues with a big performance. DEFENDING LEAGUE CHAMPION FLC has its work cut out for them. The “Supa Bowl hangover” is tough to overcome. NAPERVILLE is still sky high. Anticipation for the season is at a fever pitch. FLC RB Selly Young is a capable back but needs some receptions out of the backfield. FLC QB Gerrard is a good QB but he’ll be hard pressed to score 30. FLC WRs along with TE Winslow are great point producers and are the strength of team. FLC WR Andre will be big this week. ND40 has a good shot to win this one but the WR mismatch is glaring and will kill ND40. FLC keeps the momentum going and wins again.


GOOD GAME OF THE WEEK
KC BEES (0-0) -1 vs JOE LOUIS LIONS (0-0)
LAST SEASON SERIES: JOE 2-1

Last year, these two were AP1 and 2 most of the year, then they got lazy. The big story here. KC BEES QB TOM BRADY going against his former team. JOE LOUIS is still pissed at the guy who single-handedly won at least 10 games…..but that’s “the business” as they say in the porn world. Top to bottom this is a great game. It’s a toss up. Two guys that can make a difference are JOE LOUIS RB Kevin Smith and KC RB Moroney. Whoever steps up wins it by a pinch. We think KC QB Brady will stick it to his unappreciative owner JOE LOU. KC BY 1


NOT TOO BAD GAME OF THE WEEK
T-LICIOUS (0-0) -2 vs MM (0-0)
SEASON SERIES: TIED 1-1

TOILET BOWL CHAMPION TLICIOUS and RB LT are hoping for return to glory. MONTREAL is coming off another cursed season. MM QB Romo is in for a huge game in this one. TLIC has too be very concerned. On the other side of the ball, what can you say about TLIC RB LT. He’ll run for one, catch and run for one and throw one. A tough game to pick for us. We think the WRs on both sides are pretty even. TLIC QB Jake needs to keep up with MM QB Romo…at least keep it close. Its gonna be a close ball game but we feel TLIC will steal this one on MNF. The TLIC MINN DEF is going to break the game open for TLIC. TLIC by a smidgen. A smidgen.


GUT PICK OF THE WEEK
ROSS -5 (0-0) vs BUTTA (0-0)
SEASON SERIES: TIED 1-1

The gut is not ready for the season to start. All she knows is that shes sick of seeing ROSS in the gut pick game. Yes, the gut is a she. BUTTA is coming off their first ever Supa Bowl defeat. ROSS has lost 7 straight. This game is BUTTA QB BIG BEN and WR Santonio VERSES ROSS QB DEREK-A and WR Braylon. Santonio is long for Antonio. Santonio was born in San Antonio. Crazy! The gut likes that stuff. The gut hates Todd Heap though. Who doesn’t? The gut hates this game really. The gut says trading Colston was a big mistake and he hates BUTTA this week. Gut likes ROSS with a big day from ROSS TE Gates. The gut is a hata of everything this week except chicken burritos.