new reality show idea
by: Buttafuoco Stallions (adholmocha) Jan 2 9:27pm
5 NFL unemployed coaches and retired one...make that 6 if you count Steve-o Mariucci.
The 7 coaches live in a house and try to deal with Dick Vermeil's emotional issues and escapades.
Episode #1: Vermeil loses his wallet and car keys.
Episode #2: Norv Turner joins the cast-offs and is greeted by Vermeil at the door. Emotion ensues
Episode #3: Mike Tice organizes a boat trip.
Episode #4: Vermeil shrinks all his laundry in a faulty dryer. Then, he breaks the house dishwasher.
Episode #5: Tice challenges all to a fight.
Episode #6: The housemates form a Dodgeball team. Jim Hasslett calls Aaron Brooks. The housemates balk and confront Haslett.
I think i need to pitch this
by: Buttafuoco Stallions (adholmocha) Jan 2 9:31pm
to NBC or WB.
How about Ferentz TP's the house in the middle of the night. He is drunk and giggling
and then
by: Buttafuoco Stallions (adholmocha) Jan 3 9:03am
Mike Sherman chews Clarett out, tells him to do 5 laps but then realizes he's not a coach and never was one to begin with.
He is reminded of that by Vermeil and more emotions ensue.
Aaron Brooks turns out to be a dodgeball bust as he cant hit sh!t. The fellas told him so. Haslett explains his addiction to Aaron Brooks. "Hes like a drug", he says. "I need him. I need him. He excites me....and then...he screws up my life". He weeps, "I refuse to not have him in my life".
Vermeil consoles Haslett and more emotions ensue
and in a very special episode
by: Red Oak Sea Snakes (ajchand) Jan 3 10:02pm
bill parcells pays a visit, dies and then Clarett thinks he sees him in the kitchen when he goes downstairs to get a glass of milk.
generic metaphysical conversations ensue
"I am not religious, but I am spiritual."
"I believe that whatever path you are on will take you to the same place."
"Bill may have left this world, but he still lives in your heart, Maurice and that is all that matters."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
sense uncomfortable surroundings in the house
by: Buttafuoco Stallions (adholmocha) Jan 3 11:30pm
and its because of Mike Martz. What else can it be.
After the first 8 episodes, Martz hasn't said a word. The housemates have a meeting and discuss. The outcome: He's an arrogant ass.
The producers of the show cant get a word out of him either.
but funny thing is Martz didnt know cameras were in the bathroom. A climatic scene of episode 9 is when Martz decides to take a bath. The cameras catch Martz drawing up offensive plays in the tub with rubber duckies and fishy's.
The producers tell the cast that Martz is misunderstood and show the tape to the fellas.
The housemates are unsure about Martz and think he is ruining the house chemistry.
Tice: "Fvcking Fag"
Vermeil gets choked up: "We need to have an intervention. Mike can work this out with us. We'll make it work. We need to talk to him, guys"
Haslett: "Where is Aaron?"
Mike Sherman: "Now where did you guys put the peanut butter? Im starved"
Mariucci: "Lets give him another chance"
Capers: "Hey, those are my ducks!!"
not having the peanut butter...
by: Fun Lovin' Criminals (jkscherf) Jan 4 8:48am
...came as a huge surprise to Sherman. Nobody knows the reason the peanut butter went missing and it absolutely stunned the former Packer head coach and left him dazed.
In a cutaway interview (away from the house), Seattle coach Mike Holmgren tried to explain the missing peanut butter situation.
"The only people that really know the whys and wheres of the peanut butter situation are Ted Thompson [Packers' first-year GM] and Mike. I know both men very well, as you know, and they're both good men. They both like peanut butter, but sometimes when the peanut butter goes missing, it can cause problems. Running a household and keeping peanut butter stocked is a bottom-line business, as you know, so it happens. But it doesn't make it any easier today."
In other news around the NFL house, it was determined that Mike Martz was as quiet as he was because he was actually quite dead. The infection in his heart lining finally did him in as he was shuffling yet another rubber ducky around in the tub to simulate a special play for Rams' back-up QB, Ryan Fitzpatrick.
Dick Vermeil explained (through heaving sobs) that Martz was found dead in the tub by the housemates who came to investigate after "Mikey's special bath time" extended into its 8th hour.
"We found him floating face first in ice cold bath water surrounded by a mob of little duckies," sobbed Vermeil. "He had a little sticky notes attached to all the duckies, including the QB ducky, who was designated as the "Crimson Wonder'."
"On the floor of the bathroom, beside the tub, we found one of Mike's many Etch A Sketch's," Vermeil wailed. "It appears that Mikey may have passed away while putting the finishing touches on a new play called 'The Ivy League Cannonball'."
Vermeil reported that Mike Tice and Jim Haslett destroyed Martz' last play by fighting over the Etch A Sketch and shaking the play into history.
Vermeil was unable to complete his confession booth summary of Martz' unexpected death and left the booth in choking sobs.
trouble in the house
by: Buttafuoco Stallions (adholmocha) Jan 4 10:20am
Norv Turner mistakingly thought the peanut butter was his acne cream.
..crap, I actually gotta work...
by: Fun Lovin' Criminals (jkscherf) Jan 4 1:16pm
...but I think we can involve Linda Quinn (Stupid Medicine Woman) into the NFL Ex-Coach Reality Show.
All the ex-coaches are (inexplicably) asked to rate the future NFL talent for their "old" teams.
They get the order confused (Haslett writing down the phone message wrong because he's distracted as he is sorting his Aaron Brooks card collection). Instead, the coaches rate reaaaaallllll NFL "talent".
If you know what I mean.
"Wink, wink"
/nudge, nudge.
Tice flies in prostitutes from cities OTHER than the one where the house is located. This will come back to haunt Tice in a future episode, but more on that later.
So, we've got Tice wanting to evaluate "relaxation technique" specialists for the NFL.
Jauron (and you know he's coming to the house very, VERY soon) REALLY screws up the casting call and gets jersey-chasers to show up to the reality crib.
Obvious call gets made to Laura Quinn who Jauron thinks is "close enough" because her brother is Brady Quinn who Coach Weis hasn't had a chance to eat yet. Weis has got his hands full with long hair and fat Offensive Guards to this point.
Ummm...long hair. Silky smooth but hard to digest. Gives you a gut ache.
Anyway....
Jauron also makes a phone call to the Slater Residence Hall at the University of Iowa to ask R.A.'s to scour the halls at nighttime for the jersey chasers lying in wait on the football player's floors. Jauron will get reprimanded by the reality show producers for describing the need for such "talent" as:
"...capable of doing oral wonders with the fat end of a baseball bat...".
Matt Millen is brought in as a cameo at this point to completely defend Jauron's statement, even though the N.O.W., PETA and those lesbian law professors at Iowa are screaming to have the show cancelled.
See, I really do have to work.
Tonight was a quiet evening in the made for TV, NFL unemployed coaches house. You can hear the crickets outside through the cracked open window. Steve Mariucci cooking up some baked ziti, Dick Vermeil knitting a sweater, Mike Sherman looking for the peanut butter, Dom Capers and Norv Turner playing the game, “Operation”, Mike Tice in his room viewing "Nasty Nurses 17" and Jim Haslett sitting by that open window listening to the crickets chirp into the night. A peaceful night indeed in this house.
(Mike Tice enters the living room)
Pointing at Haslett, Tice says, "What the hell is his problem?". "Leave him alone, Mike." utters Vermeil. Haslett does not respond. Vermeil shakes and quivers, "Why cant you mind your own business". Tice responds, "What are you doing?!?!". "Im knitting if you must know". "Fvcking pussy", smacks Tice.
(Vermeil is clearly upset). "You, SIR, are ruining a perfect night". Tice walks the other way still visibily excited from "Nasty Nurses 17". “Thank god for parachute pants”, mumbles Sherman.
Haslett is still starring into the night, not talking, stonefaced. Dick Vermeil walks up next to him.
Vermeil: Jim, how are you? Do you need to talk?
Haslett: No, Im fine. (A tear drips from his eye and runs down his face)
Vermeil (starts tearing up): What?
Haslett: I have to leave this house. I cant take it anymore.
Vermeil: You are a macho man. This is not like you. What is going on! (choking up)
Haslett: Oh, its just Aaron. You guys were pissed about him playing dodgeball. He plays and he didnt even get anyone out. He couldnt even catch the ball. I know he can do better. Now, I must find him. I thought he'd call me but...nothing. I cant go on without him.
(Mike Tice comes back into the living quarters and tries some of Mariucci's pasta)
Tice: Oh, ENOUGH ALREADY. Are we still talking about Aaron Brooks!?! He is the reason why you are living in this house. 5 years, you two were ruining a franchise. Ring, ring....Ohhhhhhh..ohhhhhhhh Jim, Aaron's on the phone! Get excited Jim. Get excited! Give me a break.
Vermeil: Youre just a jerk, Tice. You are a big bully.
(Tice gets in a karate stance similar to the one from “karate kid”)
Tice: COME ON OLD MAN. Come to daddy!! Come on, lets do this thing!!!
(Haslett runs into his bedroom in tears, Vermeil runs after him and screams, “You have destroyed a great night and the crickets are gone”)
DING DONG…..”Someone is at the door”, says Dom Capers. He continues, “There is an old blue Chevy Chevette in the driveway guys” “I’ll get it” says Norv. He opens the door. “Oh my god”, cries Norv. “Who is it” yells Marucci from the kitchen.
“Hi, I’m Gary, Gary Barnett”
Mike Sherman yells to Mariucci, “Quick, hide Mike Tice and his dvd collection..oh and that blowup lady thing with the circle shaped mouth and weird looking genital region”
Norv sternly only opens the door a smidgin and says, “This house is for NFL coaches only.”
The producers quickly cut in and try to shue Barnett away………
TO BE CONTINUED
“The Barnett Intrusion”
(When we last left you the producers of the NFL Coach house have come on the set to corral Gary Barnett.)
Private Interview cut away with Dom Capers: “So, we come to door and its like wow, its Coach Gary Barnett. We were like…what do we do now? First of all, hes like…a college coach. Sure, hes unemployed like us but hes college. These are the guys that take OUR jobs. Then we are like, why is he here? Is he going to live here? Is he here for a peanut butter sandwich because..well..we don’t have any anymore? Does he want to rent a movie from Tice? We were very nervous. Mike Sherman starts biting his nails frantically. Mike turns to me and says, “Oh boy, now we have two sexual predators in the house”. You know….Mike Tice and maybe Gary. The interruption was fine with me though. Norv was still trying to get the bone out of the knee of our “Operation” game. He jumps so high, when he gets buzzed (he laughs). Anyway, then you production folks try to put a stop to it and things get interesting
-----
Back to the show………..
(The producers of the show grab Gary Barnett, “Sir…no…please leave the set or we’ll have you removed”
Gary Barnett: OKAY, just wanted to say hi to the guys. Whats the big deal. I want to tell Mike Tice something. “Lets go Mr. Barnett”, says a producer.
Barnett breaks free of the producers and runs into the house, out of control, “MIKE…MIKE….MIKE”. He is running through every bedroom door of the house. Finally, he runs in the Tice bedroom. “What the….!!!”, says Tice. All of a sudden Gary Barnett breaks into a song that resembles a rap and undoes his shirt and tie.
“ What you gon' do with all that junk? All that junk inside your trunk? I'ma get, get, get, get, you drunk, Get you love drunk off my hump. My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps. Check it
out.
The show producers and bodyguards tackle Gary Barnett and exit him off the house property.
Private interview cut away again with Dom Capers: “It was crazy. I mean it was a great night at first, then the outburst between Dick Vermeil and Mike Tice and then, this. It was scary. All of us ducked behind couches and tables. Crazy thing is, Steve Mariucci still was stirring his special pasta sauce and asking everyone to try it….during all the commotion. Shucks. I tried some. Oh, those crazy Italians. ”
After things settled down, Dick Vermeil called for an emergency house meeting. “I have an announcement to make. Everyone. I need your attention. Gather around. EVERYONE. GATHER AROUND. Tearing up a bit Dick continues, “PLEASE, folks, huddle! Huddle! Norv, please stop putting that brown acne stuff on your face and come over. You can finish later.” Everyone is finally gathered by Vermeil. “Fellow coaches, I mean ex-coaches, we had a very trying day today”, a choked up Vermeil says. A visibly tearing Vermeil continues, “ We cant do this anymore”. We need to treat each other with respect. We are a team…a team of ex-coaches, some fired, some retired. Doesn’t matter. Tomorrow, I brought it upon myself to bring in a guest speaker. He is going to talk to us and give us a good talk. Get some sleep. Break on 3. Ready 1-2-3 BREAK.”
Mike Sherman looks at Norv Turner angrily, “HEY, I smell FRESH PEANUT BUTTER. Norm, let me taste your face for a minute!!!!
TO BE CONTINUED
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