AP PCS POLL, WEEK 1

AP PCS POLL

AP#1 JOE LOUIS: Looks like they are picking up where they left off. Wishes KC Brady pain and that’s not nice

AP#2 ND40: Not used to living away from Bed and Breakfast Basement. Butta accuses ND40 of trying to steal WR Royal.

AP#3 TLICIOUS: Still loves QB Warner. Should re-name team HYVEE Alumni. Still mad they couldn’t grab WR Royal from ND40.

AP#4 BUTTAFUOCO: TE Todd Heap has left building but stole TE Fasano’s luggage. BUTTA QB Don McNabb thinks Butta organization is racist after starting QB Big Ben. BUTTA is pissed after KC stole WR DeSean Jackson.

AP#5 FLC: Naperville is back to normal after “stunning” SCHERF BOWL loss. Looks like a Supa Bowl hangover. Naperville mayor says, “It must stop. We need a win next week or no parade…ever….again”

AP#6 ROSS: WR Anquan wants a trade and Red Oak city council is holding press conference on Tuesday at 2pm about current 8 game skid.

AP#7 KC BEES: Software has gone goofy concerning QB Bradys devastating injury. Software blames KC saying he is bad luck. Software says, “No Cassel!!”. KC says, “Yes Cassel”.

AP#8 MM: MONTREAL wants no part of the “GUT PICK” game next week but they are gonna get it.

Todd "Trash" Heap

Heap fumbles on lone catch(www.sportsline.com/nfl/players/playerpage/235215)

Ravens TE Todd Heap caught a pass from rookie QBJoe Flacco on the opening drive Week 1 against the Bengals, but after converting the first down, he fumbled the ball and it was recovered by Cincinnati.

Heap only caught one of the five passes thrown his way for five yards.

Flacco tried to get Heap involved in the game plan, but after he fumbled on the first catch and then dropped a touchdown in the end zone in the second quarter, the rookie QB lost faith. There was even one point Heap got drilled by a Cincinnati defender and laid on the ground for a few minutes. It was a rough Week 1.

Buttafuoco Stallions management quickly responded by waiving Heap but not before officially retiring the TE's jersey in an emotional ceremony that took place by the loading dock doors at the Stallions training facilities in Waukee, Iowa.

The Stallions GM and head coach, Adam Lowell, suggested that Heap's departure leaves, "a big gap on the roster for consistently underperforming and overall disappointing talent".

Lowell did express optimism that RB Earnest Graham could quickly replace Heap's role on the roster as a no-talent ass clown.

Ethan Albright Strikes Back

by: JUAN TURLINGTON
http://www.thephatphree.com/features.asp?StoryID=3159&SectionID=2

To: John Madden
CC: Electronic Arts Sports
From: Ethan Albright
Re: Being the worst rated player on Madden ‘07

Hi, John, my name is Ethan Albright. I play line for the Washington Redskins. You probably already knew that, so I’ll continue. I am writing in regards to the overall player rating of 53 that I have received in Madden NFL Football 2007. I feel that this is fucking bullshit and you should kiss my mother-fucking ass. Ahmed Carroll was rated a 78 and the Packers just cut his ass on a Tuesday morning after his performance in a Monday night game. That is pretty terrible. The worst part is that his overall rating was sniffing 80.

You know what, John? Two can play this game. I rate you a fucking 12. I rate you a fucking 12 in Ethan Albright Football 2000-ever… except for in the category of ball-licking. That is where I will spot you a 98 rating. You will receive this score because I will never give your blubbery ass a 99 in any category. Take that, pencil-dick. Go do Al Micheals or something. Boom. Score one for Red Beard.

It’s also pretty wonderful that my awareness rating was 59. You make it sound like I wake up in the morning, helplessly shit and piss myself, then lose three of my teeth before I discover that I am trying to eat a rock for breakfast. Fuck, John, I understand you saying that I am slow and lacking athleticism, but a rating like this pretty much labels me as retarded. Rod “He Hate Me” Smart has a 52 in this category. Electronic Arts is saying that seven rating points separate me and the breathing embodiment of the perfect oxymoron. Rod Smart struggled to arrange words in sentence form. Cave men had better hold of the English language. The only actions that separate point values of ignorance at this embarrassing level are things like using your own toothbrush to wipe your ass. I basically edged out Rod by my lack of shit teeth. If I take a night school class, could you bump me up to a 60?

I guess I just can’t fathom the fact that I am the absolute worst player rated out of the entire NFL. Fuck, man, there are some shitty guys out there. Amongst everyone, I was rated the absolute worst.

I have received the impression that you feel that I am lacking in the agility category. I should consider a walk through my living room where I don’t crash through a wall or kick over furniture a resounding success. My agility rating on your game is 33. It makes it sound like I just topple over if I start walking too fast. Ted Washington is rated a 40 in agility. He is listed at 365 pounds. If Ted Washington tied a white lady up and made her wear a metal bikini, he’d look just like Jabba the Hut.

John, you are such a fucking dick. I also noticed that my kick return rating was a 0. I was rated a fucking zero? So you feel that I shouldn’t even receive a 10, or even a 5? You are pretty much saying that I couldn’t even fall forward on a ball kicked in my direction. I would just stand there and let the ball bounce off of my fucking face. Fuck that, John, I returned an onside kick 6 yards in 2002. You should have just slapped a - 4 on me and had the EA staff ambush me with paintball guns.

Finally, I would like to comment on an unlikely topic, my pass coverage ratings. I see that I am a better at man-to-man coverage (31) than zone (21). Fuck me sideways with a lunchbox. Where did these scores even come from? How much time is spent coming up with the pass coverage ratings of offensive lineman? Can I have that job? Let’s see here, I think that Orlando Pace would be slightly better at jumping intermediate routes than Larry Allen. While I’m at it, I can assign the passing ratings for offensive lineman as well. I can use mine as a guide.

I was rated with a throwing power of 17 and accuracy of 16. Orlando Pace has a 22 power and 17 accuracy rating. Did someone at EA really put time into figuring out that Orlando Pace edges out Ethan Albright in both throwing power and accuracy? I will challenge him any day. My horrible passer ratings are of greatest misfortune to my son, Red Beard Jr. The poor boy is not only hideously ugly and covered by freakishly large freckles. He also has to suffer through playing catch with me and my senile-elderly-woman-type passer ratings. A session of tossing the pigskin usually consists of me missing my son by thirty yards in sporadic directions. I led him in front of a fire truck once and my wife kicked my ass. This is because of my 76 toughness rating. Yes, a 76 is far better than the other ratings, but I’m a fucking lineman, damn it. NFL Linemen are considered to be synonymous with toughness. According to your game, I am a retarded, uncoordinated, pussy-ass fuckwad that can’t fall on a kickoff, throw, or spell. I am, however, slightly better at manning up on a receiver than dropping into zone coverage. You lose your mind more and more each year, old man

Fuck you, John. Please expect to find red pubes in various meals you consume for the rest of your life. If you fuck with Ethan Albright, you call down the thunder.

Rot in Hell,

Ethan Albright

ND40 WR Denny Northcutt Not Off To Good Start

A pregnant woman who says that Jacksonville Jaguars wide receiver Dennis Northcutt is the father of her baby has filed a lawsuit against him, claiming that he and people with him beat her up because she wouldn't have an abortion.

TMZ.com is reporting that the woman, Sharri Henry, says that on May 17, when she was four months pregnant, Northcutt got his cousin to "maliciously assault, beat, strike and batter ... her face and head with great force and violence ... causing severe and permanent disfigurement to her face."

And Henry's lawyer said Northcutt was part of a group (which also includes his current girlfriend) that confronted Henry and demanded that she have an abortion. According to the lawyer, she refused, and that's when the cousin attacked.

Henry filed a police report, but Northcutt was apparently not charged. Henry is now seven months pregnant.

ND40 had no comment except, "we didnt vett him". This has complicated matters even further. Not only has ND40 fans and other league owners frown upon this late round pick but Sarah Palin put her two cents in. She told TMZ.com, "What is ND40 doing. He certainly hasnt helped his COY nomination. He must drop him quickly and find a more suitable replacement at WR. Perhaps Joe Horn."

BUTTA PICKS, WEEK 1

Don’t look now. Buttapicks.com is back for a 10th season. When we last left you, FLC won their first league championship. Naperville finally had their parade. Anyway, for the first time ever we have a Week 1 SCHERF BOWL. This is the 20th meeting. Unbelievable! The SCHERF CUP needs to be remodeled as this trophy is as popular as ever. We’ll work on that. ND40 hasn’t seen the CUP in a while and would love to bring it back to North Texas. The big story comes from Red Oak where they bring in a 7 game losing streak. In Red Oak, all they live for is this football team. The fans are pissed after last years shenanigans. “Return of the Beard” is this years rallying cry. Another great matchup brings us two of last years dominant teams, JOE LOU and KC BEES. AP PCS Polls will be released on Tuesday morning.

2007 CHAMPIONSHIPS
SUPA BOWL VIV: FLC 153, BUTTA 146
TOILET BOWL VIV: T-LIC 141, ND40 134

Who’s HOT: FLC, TLIC W2
Who’s NOT: ROSS L7

GAME OF THE WEEK

SCHERF BOWL XX

HISTORY

1999- I- ND40 179, FLC 152
II- ND40 112, FLC 65

2000- III- FLC 197, ND40 121
IV- FLC 141, ND40 127

2001- V- FLC 144, ND40 121
VI- FLC 148, ND40 91

2002-VII- ND40 182, FLC 107
VIII- ND40 132, FLC 82

2003- IX- ND40 145, FLC 140
X- ND40 167, FLC 162

2004- XI- FLC 148, ND40 106
XII- ND40 178, FLC 118
XIII- ND40 179, FLC 144

2005- XIV- ND40 178, FLC 127
XV- ND40 140, FLC 100

2006-XVI- FLC 146, ND40 97
XVII-FLC 172, ND40 120

2007-XVIII- FLC 134, ND40 120
XIX- FLC 167, ND40 121


SCHERF BOWL XX
FLC (0-0) -7 vs ND40 (0-0)
LAST SEASON SERIES: FLC 2-0

The granddaddy of them all turns 20. ND40 is due. ND has lost 4 straight in this game and if you look at the trend ND40 is where the smart money goes. We would like to think that anyway. ND40 QB Pimples is finally ready to go. A fresh ND40 RB Adrian on MNF should be money for ND40. The ND40 WR trio is where the problems are. ND40 will need someone to step up. ND40 TE Witten is the best and he can really help out the pass catching issues with a big performance. DEFENDING LEAGUE CHAMPION FLC has its work cut out for them. The “Supa Bowl hangover” is tough to overcome. NAPERVILLE is still sky high. Anticipation for the season is at a fever pitch. FLC RB Selly Young is a capable back but needs some receptions out of the backfield. FLC QB Gerrard is a good QB but he’ll be hard pressed to score 30. FLC WRs along with TE Winslow are great point producers and are the strength of team. FLC WR Andre will be big this week. ND40 has a good shot to win this one but the WR mismatch is glaring and will kill ND40. FLC keeps the momentum going and wins again.


GOOD GAME OF THE WEEK
KC BEES (0-0) -1 vs JOE LOUIS LIONS (0-0)
LAST SEASON SERIES: JOE 2-1

Last year, these two were AP1 and 2 most of the year, then they got lazy. The big story here. KC BEES QB TOM BRADY going against his former team. JOE LOUIS is still pissed at the guy who single-handedly won at least 10 games…..but that’s “the business” as they say in the porn world. Top to bottom this is a great game. It’s a toss up. Two guys that can make a difference are JOE LOUIS RB Kevin Smith and KC RB Moroney. Whoever steps up wins it by a pinch. We think KC QB Brady will stick it to his unappreciative owner JOE LOU. KC BY 1


NOT TOO BAD GAME OF THE WEEK
T-LICIOUS (0-0) -2 vs MM (0-0)
SEASON SERIES: TIED 1-1

TOILET BOWL CHAMPION TLICIOUS and RB LT are hoping for return to glory. MONTREAL is coming off another cursed season. MM QB Romo is in for a huge game in this one. TLIC has too be very concerned. On the other side of the ball, what can you say about TLIC RB LT. He’ll run for one, catch and run for one and throw one. A tough game to pick for us. We think the WRs on both sides are pretty even. TLIC QB Jake needs to keep up with MM QB Romo…at least keep it close. Its gonna be a close ball game but we feel TLIC will steal this one on MNF. The TLIC MINN DEF is going to break the game open for TLIC. TLIC by a smidgen. A smidgen.


GUT PICK OF THE WEEK
ROSS -5 (0-0) vs BUTTA (0-0)
SEASON SERIES: TIED 1-1

The gut is not ready for the season to start. All she knows is that shes sick of seeing ROSS in the gut pick game. Yes, the gut is a she. BUTTA is coming off their first ever Supa Bowl defeat. ROSS has lost 7 straight. This game is BUTTA QB BIG BEN and WR Santonio VERSES ROSS QB DEREK-A and WR Braylon. Santonio is long for Antonio. Santonio was born in San Antonio. Crazy! The gut likes that stuff. The gut hates Todd Heap though. Who doesn’t? The gut hates this game really. The gut says trading Colston was a big mistake and he hates BUTTA this week. Gut likes ROSS with a big day from ROSS TE Gates. The gut is a hata of everything this week except chicken burritos.

Creator clears Pac-Man to play for Bally-Midway

IRVING, Texas (AP) - Pac-Man has been cleared to play for Bally-Midway this season.

The loveable character, originally inspired by a pizza with a slice missing, was suspended all last year by Namco Bandai Corporation, because of an accumulation of arrests and legal problems. Pac-Man was traded to Bally-Midway Industries in April, then allowed in June by creator Tohru Iwatani to join cast members Blinky, Pinky, Inky and Clyde back in the maze. Iwatani, however, was still waiting to decide whether to let Pac-Man play in "live" games fed by arcade quarters or allow him to only appear in demonstrations on arcade machines that were not in operation.

"This is another step in the process," Pac-Man in a statement released by Bally-Midway. "I am very grateful for this opportunity, and I understand my responsibilities to Bally Industries and the entire gaming world. Right now I just want to keep working hard so I can accomplish the goals that I have set for myself both on and off the maze."

One difference in Pac-Man's conditioning and preparation for live, arcade play that was noted by those following Bally-Midway's drills is that "Pakku-Man" is no longer 20 percent slower in simulation mazes where all the dots remain. Instead, arcade media analysts have suggested that Pac-Man is moving through both dots and open ground at roughly the same speed. This is good news for followers of Pac-Man and bad news for the Blinky and his pals.

BUTTA RB Ernie Graham, Why?

Seriously, these are two pictures of Earnest Graham. I tend to like "The Pimp" Ernie opposed to the "running back Ernie". Both are "players" in different ways. And I'm a hater.

So, it comes to my 4th round pick. Ive taken 1 RB and 2 WRs, Something I dont usually do. Now, Im stumped. Dazed and confused. I already went against my strategy. Why? I have no idea. I passed up two guys I really wanted for some reason. All of a sudden Jonny says, "I know who hes taking. You use it in a smore". Yep, Jonny is right. A graham cracker.

So here he is. I have Earnest Graham. This is a my worst pick of the draft and a guy I am willing to trade for a marshmallow or Hershey bar. I just wish it would all go away.

Pre-Season Pain

Sure it sucks losing production from your players when they get injured early in the NFL season. What sucks worse is drafting a player (or team defense) and having a significant injury during the 3rd game of the pre-season schedule. Let's list the casualties over the last 9 days:

• Browns QB Derek Anderson was concussed by, yes, Osi Umenyiora.
• Jaguars RB Maurice Jones-Drew turned an ankle.
• Bengals QB Carson Palmer broke his nose.
• Patriots WR Wes Welker bruised his ribs.
• Redskins DE Jason Taylor sprained his knee.
• Bills QB Trent Edwards sustained a thigh contusion and, then, OT Langston Walker -- the temporary replacement for holdout Jason Peters -- went down with an arm injury.
• News broke that Chargers LB Shawne Merriman's season could be in jeopardy with tears to the PCL and LCL in his left knee.

Oops.

But, at least Kurt didn't sucker us in to Fantasy Olympic Weight Lifting. Yes, had you selected Hungarian Janos Baranyai in the 77-kilogram division, you would have been missing some fantasy weight lifting points.

The Olympic athlete was attempting to life 326.3 lbs., when his elbow popped and his forearm bent backwards. The injured weightlifter fell immediately on the floor shaking and crying out in horrific pain.

Good times.

2008 PastyGangsta Football Schedule

Full Season Schedule
Week 1
Buttafuoco Stallions vs Red Oak Sea Snakes
T-Licious vs Montreal Machine
Joe Louis Lions vs KC Bees
Fun Lovin' Criminals vs North Dallas 40 oz.

Week 2
Buttafuoco Stallions vs T-Licious
Red Oak Sea Snakes vs North Dallas 40 oz.
Joe Louis Lions vs Montreal Machine
Fun Lovin' Criminals vs KC Bees

Week 3
Buttafuoco Stallions vs Joe Louis Lions
Red Oak Sea Snakes vs T-Licious
Fun Lovin' Criminals vs Montreal Machine
KC Bees vs North Dallas 40 oz.

Week 4
Buttafuoco Stallions vs Fun Lovin' Criminals
Red Oak Sea Snakes vs Joe Louis Lions
T-Licious vs North Dallas 40 oz.
KC Bees vs Montreal Machine

Week 5
Buttafuoco Stallions vs KC Bees
Red Oak Sea Snakes vs Fun Lovin' Criminals
T-Licious vs Joe Louis Lions
Montreal Machine vs North Dallas 40 oz.

Week 6
Buttafuoco Stallions vs Montreal Machine
Red Oak Sea Snakes vs KC Bees
T-Licious vs Fun Lovin' Criminals
Joe Louis Lions vs North Dallas 40 oz.

Week 7
Buttafuoco Stallions vs North Dallas 40 oz.
Red Oak Sea Snakes vs Montreal Machine
T-Licious vs KC Bees
Joe Louis Lions vs Fun Lovin' Criminals

Week 8
Buttafuoco Stallions vs Red Oak Sea Snakes
T-Licious vs Montreal Machine
Joe Louis Lions vs KC Bees
Fun Lovin' Criminals vs North Dallas 40 oz.

Week 9
Buttafuoco Stallions vs T-Licious
Red Oak Sea Snakes vs North Dallas 40 oz.
Joe Louis Lions vs Montreal Machine
Fun Lovin' Criminals vs KC Bees

Week 10
Buttafuoco Stallions vs Joe Louis Lions
Red Oak Sea Snakes vs T-Licious
Fun Lovin' Criminals vs Montreal Machine
KC Bees vs North Dallas 40 oz.

Week 11
Buttafuoco Stallions vs Fun Lovin' Criminals
Red Oak Sea Snakes vs Joe Louis Lions
T-Licious vs North Dallas 40 oz.
KC Bees vs Montreal Machine

Week 12
Buttafuoco Stallions vs KC Bees
Red Oak Sea Snakes vs Fun Lovin' Criminals
T-Licious vs Joe Louis Lions
Montreal Machine vs North Dallas 40 oz.

Week 13
Buttafuoco Stallions vs Montreal Machine
Red Oak Sea Snakes vs KC Bees
T-Licious vs Fun Lovin' Criminals
Joe Louis Lions vs North Dallas 40 oz.

Week 14
Buttafuoco Stallions vs North Dallas 40 oz.
Red Oak Sea Snakes vs Montreal Machine
T-Licious vs KC Bees
Joe Louis Lions vs Fun Lovin' Criminals

JOE LOUIS and BUTTA DRIVING TO DRAFTWEEKEND

Bitter rivals, JOE LOUIS and BUTTAFUOCO are renting a car but not just any car. The two owners will be cruising in a 1975 yellow Ford Pinto. "Enterprise had a sweet deal for us" said Butta, "At $6.95 per day, we are saving a ton of cash.