DRAFTWEEKEND countdown

86 days until DRAFTWEEKEND

2 days until Clive pool opens (hot mom convention)

CALLING ALL PASTYGANGSTAZ

Butta needs your help. I'm in the process of making a (our) PASTYGANGTAZ logo. I need ideas. Once you give me ideas, I'll get some samples to you and then we can vote.

So, bring it

PastyGangsta Classic Posts (The Big Brother Coaches House)

new reality show idea
by: Buttafuoco Stallions (adholmocha) Jan 2 9:27pm
5 NFL unemployed coaches and retired one...make that 6 if you count Steve-o Mariucci.

The 7 coaches live in a house and try to deal with Dick Vermeil's emotional issues and escapades.

Episode #1: Vermeil loses his wallet and car keys.

Episode #2: Norv Turner joins the cast-offs and is greeted by Vermeil at the door. Emotion ensues

Episode #3: Mike Tice organizes a boat trip.

Episode #4: Vermeil shrinks all his laundry in a faulty dryer. Then, he breaks the house dishwasher.

Episode #5: Tice challenges all to a fight.

Episode #6: The housemates form a Dodgeball team. Jim Hasslett calls Aaron Brooks. The housemates balk and confront Haslett.


I think i need to pitch this
by: Buttafuoco Stallions (adholmocha) Jan 2 9:31pm
to NBC or WB.

How about Ferentz TP's the house in the middle of the night. He is drunk and giggling



and then
by: Buttafuoco Stallions (adholmocha) Jan 3 9:03am
Mike Sherman chews Clarett out, tells him to do 5 laps but then realizes he's not a coach and never was one to begin with.

He is reminded of that by Vermeil and more emotions ensue.

Aaron Brooks turns out to be a dodgeball bust as he cant hit sh!t. The fellas told him so. Haslett explains his addiction to Aaron Brooks. "Hes like a drug", he says. "I need him. I need him. He excites me....and then...he screws up my life". He weeps, "I refuse to not have him in my life".

Vermeil consoles Haslett and more emotions ensue


and in a very special episode
by: Red Oak Sea Snakes (ajchand) Jan 3 10:02pm
bill parcells pays a visit, dies and then Clarett thinks he sees him in the kitchen when he goes downstairs to get a glass of milk.

generic metaphysical conversations ensue

"I am not religious, but I am spiritual."

"I believe that whatever path you are on will take you to the same place."

"Bill may have left this world, but he still lives in your heart, Maurice and that is all that matters."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



sense uncomfortable surroundings in the house
by: Buttafuoco Stallions (adholmocha) Jan 3 11:30pm
and its because of Mike Martz. What else can it be.

After the first 8 episodes, Martz hasn't said a word. The housemates have a meeting and discuss. The outcome: He's an arrogant ass.

The producers of the show cant get a word out of him either.

but funny thing is Martz didnt know cameras were in the bathroom. A climatic scene of episode 9 is when Martz decides to take a bath. The cameras catch Martz drawing up offensive plays in the tub with rubber duckies and fishy's.

The producers tell the cast that Martz is misunderstood and show the tape to the fellas.

The housemates are unsure about Martz and think he is ruining the house chemistry.

Tice: "Fvcking Fag"

Vermeil gets choked up: "We need to have an intervention. Mike can work this out with us. We'll make it work. We need to talk to him, guys"

Haslett: "Where is Aaron?"

Mike Sherman: "Now where did you guys put the peanut butter? Im starved"

Mariucci: "Lets give him another chance"

Capers: "Hey, those are my ducks!!"



not having the peanut butter...
by: Fun Lovin' Criminals (jkscherf) Jan 4 8:48am
...came as a huge surprise to Sherman. Nobody knows the reason the peanut butter went missing and it absolutely stunned the former Packer head coach and left him dazed.

In a cutaway interview (away from the house), Seattle coach Mike Holmgren tried to explain the missing peanut butter situation.

"The only people that really know the whys and wheres of the peanut butter situation are Ted Thompson [Packers' first-year GM] and Mike. I know both men very well, as you know, and they're both good men. They both like peanut butter, but sometimes when the peanut butter goes missing, it can cause problems. Running a household and keeping peanut butter stocked is a bottom-line business, as you know, so it happens. But it doesn't make it any easier today."

In other news around the NFL house, it was determined that Mike Martz was as quiet as he was because he was actually quite dead. The infection in his heart lining finally did him in as he was shuffling yet another rubber ducky around in the tub to simulate a special play for Rams' back-up QB, Ryan Fitzpatrick.

Dick Vermeil explained (through heaving sobs) that Martz was found dead in the tub by the housemates who came to investigate after "Mikey's special bath time" extended into its 8th hour.

"We found him floating face first in ice cold bath water surrounded by a mob of little duckies," sobbed Vermeil. "He had a little sticky notes attached to all the duckies, including the QB ducky, who was designated as the "Crimson Wonder'."

"On the floor of the bathroom, beside the tub, we found one of Mike's many Etch A Sketch's," Vermeil wailed. "It appears that Mikey may have passed away while putting the finishing touches on a new play called 'The Ivy League Cannonball'."

Vermeil reported that Mike Tice and Jim Haslett destroyed Martz' last play by fighting over the Etch A Sketch and shaking the play into history.

Vermeil was unable to complete his confession booth summary of Martz' unexpected death and left the booth in choking sobs.


trouble in the house
by: Buttafuoco Stallions (adholmocha) Jan 4 10:20am
Norv Turner mistakingly thought the peanut butter was his acne cream.



..crap, I actually gotta work...
by: Fun Lovin' Criminals (jkscherf) Jan 4 1:16pm
...but I think we can involve Linda Quinn (Stupid Medicine Woman) into the NFL Ex-Coach Reality Show.

All the ex-coaches are (inexplicably) asked to rate the future NFL talent for their "old" teams.

They get the order confused (Haslett writing down the phone message wrong because he's distracted as he is sorting his Aaron Brooks card collection). Instead, the coaches rate reaaaaallllll NFL "talent".

If you know what I mean.

"Wink, wink"

/nudge, nudge.

Tice flies in prostitutes from cities OTHER than the one where the house is located. This will come back to haunt Tice in a future episode, but more on that later.

So, we've got Tice wanting to evaluate "relaxation technique" specialists for the NFL.

Jauron (and you know he's coming to the house very, VERY soon) REALLY screws up the casting call and gets jersey-chasers to show up to the reality crib.

Obvious call gets made to Laura Quinn who Jauron thinks is "close enough" because her brother is Brady Quinn who Coach Weis hasn't had a chance to eat yet. Weis has got his hands full with long hair and fat Offensive Guards to this point.

Ummm...long hair. Silky smooth but hard to digest. Gives you a gut ache.

Anyway....

Jauron also makes a phone call to the Slater Residence Hall at the University of Iowa to ask R.A.'s to scour the halls at nighttime for the jersey chasers lying in wait on the football player's floors. Jauron will get reprimanded by the reality show producers for describing the need for such "talent" as:

"...capable of doing oral wonders with the fat end of a baseball bat...".

Matt Millen is brought in as a cameo at this point to completely defend Jauron's statement, even though the N.O.W., PETA and those lesbian law professors at Iowa are screaming to have the show cancelled.

See, I really do have to work.


Tonight was a quiet evening in the made for TV, NFL unemployed coaches house. You can hear the crickets outside through the cracked open window. Steve Mariucci cooking up some baked ziti, Dick Vermeil knitting a sweater, Mike Sherman looking for the peanut butter, Dom Capers and Norv Turner playing the game, “Operation”, Mike Tice in his room viewing "Nasty Nurses 17" and Jim Haslett sitting by that open window listening to the crickets chirp into the night. A peaceful night indeed in this house.

(Mike Tice enters the living room)

Pointing at Haslett, Tice says, "What the hell is his problem?". "Leave him alone, Mike." utters Vermeil. Haslett does not respond. Vermeil shakes and quivers, "Why cant you mind your own business". Tice responds, "What are you doing?!?!". "Im knitting if you must know". "Fvcking pussy", smacks Tice.

(Vermeil is clearly upset). "You, SIR, are ruining a perfect night". Tice walks the other way still visibily excited from "Nasty Nurses 17". “Thank god for parachute pants”, mumbles Sherman.

Haslett is still starring into the night, not talking, stonefaced. Dick Vermeil walks up next to him.

Vermeil: Jim, how are you? Do you need to talk?

Haslett: No, Im fine. (A tear drips from his eye and runs down his face)

Vermeil (starts tearing up): What?

Haslett: I have to leave this house. I cant take it anymore.

Vermeil: You are a macho man. This is not like you. What is going on! (choking up)

Haslett: Oh, its just Aaron. You guys were pissed about him playing dodgeball. He plays and he didnt even get anyone out. He couldnt even catch the ball. I know he can do better. Now, I must find him. I thought he'd call me but...nothing. I cant go on without him.

(Mike Tice comes back into the living quarters and tries some of Mariucci's pasta)

Tice: Oh, ENOUGH ALREADY. Are we still talking about Aaron Brooks!?! He is the reason why you are living in this house. 5 years, you two were ruining a franchise. Ring, ring....Ohhhhhhh..ohhhhhhhh Jim, Aaron's on the phone! Get excited Jim. Get excited! Give me a break.

Vermeil: Youre just a jerk, Tice. You are a big bully.

(Tice gets in a karate stance similar to the one from “karate kid”)

Tice: COME ON OLD MAN. Come to daddy!! Come on, lets do this thing!!!

(Haslett runs into his bedroom in tears, Vermeil runs after him and screams, “You have destroyed a great night and the crickets are gone”)

DING DONG…..”Someone is at the door”, says Dom Capers. He continues, “There is an old blue Chevy Chevette in the driveway guys” “I’ll get it” says Norv. He opens the door. “Oh my god”, cries Norv. “Who is it” yells Marucci from the kitchen.

“Hi, I’m Gary, Gary Barnett”

Mike Sherman yells to Mariucci, “Quick, hide Mike Tice and his dvd collection..oh and that blowup lady thing with the circle shaped mouth and weird looking genital region”

Norv sternly only opens the door a smidgin and says, “This house is for NFL coaches only.”

The producers quickly cut in and try to shue Barnett away………

TO BE CONTINUED



“The Barnett Intrusion”

(When we last left you the producers of the NFL Coach house have come on the set to corral Gary Barnett.)

Private Interview cut away with Dom Capers: “So, we come to door and its like wow, its Coach Gary Barnett. We were like…what do we do now? First of all, hes like…a college coach. Sure, hes unemployed like us but hes college. These are the guys that take OUR jobs. Then we are like, why is he here? Is he going to live here? Is he here for a peanut butter sandwich because..well..we don’t have any anymore? Does he want to rent a movie from Tice? We were very nervous. Mike Sherman starts biting his nails frantically. Mike turns to me and says, “Oh boy, now we have two sexual predators in the house”. You know….Mike Tice and maybe Gary. The interruption was fine with me though. Norv was still trying to get the bone out of the knee of our “Operation” game. He jumps so high, when he gets buzzed (he laughs). Anyway, then you production folks try to put a stop to it and things get interesting
-----
Back to the show………..

(The producers of the show grab Gary Barnett, “Sir…no…please leave the set or we’ll have you removed”

Gary Barnett: OKAY, just wanted to say hi to the guys. Whats the big deal. I want to tell Mike Tice something. “Lets go Mr. Barnett”, says a producer.

Barnett breaks free of the producers and runs into the house, out of control, “MIKE…MIKE….MIKE”. He is running through every bedroom door of the house. Finally, he runs in the Tice bedroom. “What the….!!!”, says Tice. All of a sudden Gary Barnett breaks into a song that resembles a rap and undoes his shirt and tie.

“ What you gon' do with all that junk? All that junk inside your trunk? I'ma get, get, get, get, you drunk, Get you love drunk off my hump. My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps. Check it
out.

The show producers and bodyguards tackle Gary Barnett and exit him off the house property.

Private interview cut away again with Dom Capers: “It was crazy. I mean it was a great night at first, then the outburst between Dick Vermeil and Mike Tice and then, this. It was scary. All of us ducked behind couches and tables. Crazy thing is, Steve Mariucci still was stirring his special pasta sauce and asking everyone to try it….during all the commotion. Shucks. I tried some. Oh, those crazy Italians. ”

After things settled down, Dick Vermeil called for an emergency house meeting. “I have an announcement to make. Everyone. I need your attention. Gather around. EVERYONE. GATHER AROUND. Tearing up a bit Dick continues, “PLEASE, folks, huddle! Huddle! Norv, please stop putting that brown acne stuff on your face and come over. You can finish later.” Everyone is finally gathered by Vermeil. “Fellow coaches, I mean ex-coaches, we had a very trying day today”, a choked up Vermeil says. A visibly tearing Vermeil continues, “ We cant do this anymore”. We need to treat each other with respect. We are a team…a team of ex-coaches, some fired, some retired. Doesn’t matter. Tomorrow, I brought it upon myself to bring in a guest speaker. He is going to talk to us and give us a good talk. Get some sleep. Break on 3. Ready 1-2-3 BREAK.”

Mike Sherman looks at Norv Turner angrily, “HEY, I smell FRESH PEANUT BUTTER. Norm, let me taste your face for a minute!!!!

TO BE CONTINUED

Lets Get It Started

Its only May but some great stuff is coming out of mini-camp:

1. The Ravens: All 85 players in camp were involved in a brawl Saturday. Offensive tackle Oniel Cousins and defensive tackle Amon Gordon threw punches after running back Allen Patrick was taken down hard on a play up the middle. All the players surged toward the middle of the field. Also, new draft pick QB Joe Flacco (I thought he was on the Sopranos) was turning heads. I dont know much about this guy but hes 6-foot-6 and from the University of Delaware. Whens the last time the Ravens had someone who could throw. Todd Heap was healthy for mini-camp? WOW. AMAZING.

2. Raiders top pick Darren McFadden got a wake up call with his first practice. This aint college anymore, gangsta. This is the NFL, which stands for Not For Long, if you suck. On his first play he burst through the middle during a drill and slowed up as he reached the secondary only to be scolded by offensive coordinator for not running hard for 40 yards. Then ex-49er great fullback Tom Rathman got on McFadden's case when he carried the ball back to the huddle with his elbow not tucked in close to the body to secure the ball. Also during practice they lined him up at WR and QB. The Raiders are mess but this guy will be interesting. I hope he doesnt turn out to be a Reg Bush.

3. Lions: They are not good

I'll see your Benson

and raise you a season one Blair Warner.

Am I a creepy old man to still be into my 1982 hottie list?

My favorite Benson

Which Benson is the more productive NFL running back? Yes, you are right again.

Mock Me, baby

Well, yahoo has started their fantasy mock draft for the upcoming PASTYGANGSTA season. I dont agree with some of the picks but who am I. I'm only the four time champion, Buttafuoco Stallions. Here is round one of these bastards draftpicks. Also, coming soon and throughout the summer we will have "BUTTA'S HUDDLE" which is when pastygangsta owners are interviewed for the upcoming season. We did some last year with FLC, ROSS and ND40. Heres your mock punk draft for round 1.


Adrian Peterson, Minnesota RB -- Round 1, Pick 1. This was not a difficult decision, although many of you will hate it. LaDainian Tomlinson is clearly the establishment candidate. He's running a traditional top-down campaign for the No. 1 overall pick. If you value experience above all else, then Tomlinson is the choice. But if I'm picking first, I'm taking the player with the highest ceiling. Minnesota has a terrific run-blocking line, and Peterson is uniquely talented. Remember, you're drafting for the year ahead. (Andy Behrens).

LaDainian Tomlinson, San Diego RB -- Round 1, Pick 2. In basically every league where Adrian Peterson is selected first, the dude with the No. 2 overall pick is going to ridicule whoever passed on Tomlinson...mercilessly. In Tomlinson's worst NFL season, he delivered 1236 yards and 10 touchdowns. In his best season, he set scoring records. Tomlinson is still recovering from a sprained MCL, but he expects to be at full strength by the start of the regular season. (AB).

Steven Jackson, St. Louis RB -- Round 1, Pick 3. Jackson finished the 2007 season in strong fashion after missing all of Weeks 4-7 and most of Week 8 with groin and back injuries, averaging 117 yards of offense and scoring five touchdowns in his final eight games. Despite the Rams' offensive woes, he was fifth among RB who appeared in at least 10 games in total offense per game (106). Al Saunders' return to the Rams as offensive coordinator should re-focus the offense around Jackson, who totaled 2,334 yards of offense (fifth all-time) and scored 16 times in 2007. That, my friends, is a high ceiling. (Matt Buser).

Brian Westbrook, Philadelphia RB -- Round 1, Pick 4. It's difficult - no, impossible - to pass on a guy who has averaged 2,010 yards of offense and 12 touchdowns over the past two seasons, even if there are vague but persistent injury concerns. But he's as versatile as they come and very consistent - in 28 games over the past two seasons (not counting Week 17's), he's averaged 139 yards of offense per game, totaled less than 100 yards just four times, and his season-low in 2007 was 92 yards. I'll take a chance to get numbers like that again. (MB).

Joseph Addai IND, RB -- Round 1, Pick 5. Addai petered out down the stretch in '07, but his 1,400-plus yards of offense and 15 TDs still netted out as No. 4 among RB. His '07 fade aside, he still offers the best combination of what you look for in a top five pick: age (he'll be 25 when the season starts), health (say what you want about his past, he's still played in 31 of a possible 32 regular-season games), offense (the Colts afforded Addai more red zone carries in '07 than any other back) and opportunity (rookie Mike Hart will be his backup, and he's not going to keep Addai from pushing 300 carries). I considered Larry Johnson, Tom Brady and Randy Moss at this spot, but not too seriously. (Brandon Funston)

Tom Brady NE, QB -- Round 1, Pick 6. I hate taking a QB in Round 1 as much as the next guy, and I'm not foolish enough to think that Brady will push 50 TD passes again, but I have a hard time not seeing how, with Moss back, he finishes with anything less than 34 TD passes and 4,000-plus passing yards. And that conservative estimate would still land him among the all-time great single-seasons for quarterbacks. I agonized over Brady, Moss and Johnson here, and momentarily considered Marion Barber and Clinton Portis, but Brady just seems like the surest ROI. (BF)

Larry Johnson KC, RB -- Round 1, Pick 7. Based on selection position, Grand-Ma-Ma may yield the largest profit of any first-round back this season. Reportedly, LJ is prepared to enter mini-camp at 100 percent after being sidelined by a cracked fourth metatarsal in his foot, an injury he suffered against the Packers in Week 9. The Chiefs O-line was horrendous last season, conceding a league-high 55 sacks, but the addition of ultra-athletic rookie tackle Branden Albert is a substantial improvement. If the Chiefs can patch together even an average offensive line, the Diamond Cutter will rack a minimum of 1800 total yards and 13-plus touchdowns playing in Herm Edwards' ball control offense. At 28, he's entering the penultimate phase of his career, but LJ still possesses the skill set to punish opponents. (Brad Evans)

Randy Moss NE, WR -- Round 1, Pick 8. "Stupid" is the best word to summarize Moss' record-breaking '07. Last year, Tom Brady's bosom buddy totaled nine 100-yard and eight multi-TD games. His 18.0 fantasy points per game average in standard-scoring leagues was three points higher than runner-up Terrell Owens. Rewarded with a three-year $27 million deal this offseason, Moss and Brady will unquestionably terrorize secondaries again this year. Considering the perceived lack of depth at wide receiver this year, this is the appopriate spot to draft fantasy's numero uno pass-catcher. In PPR leagues, he's a borderline top-five pick. (BE)


Marion Barber DAL, RB – Round 1, Pick 9. I know, I know, Felix Jones cuts into his value, in theory. But let's not forget that Barber had to share with Julius Jones the last two years, and that didn't keep the Dreadlocked Dynamo from scoring 28 touchdowns. I like my fantasy backs to be tied to strong offenses (more scoring chances) and winning situations (leads to cheap fourth-quarter yards), and Barber gets both of those perks in Dallas. In a jumbo-sized league I might consider Peyton Manning in this slot – a durable stud with almost no downside – but since we're looking at 12 owners, I'm content to bargain-shop at the quarterback position. (Scott Pianowski)

Jamal Lewis CLE, RB – Round 1, Pick 10. Environment is always a major part of fantasy success, and Lewis clearly has that going for him. The Browns offense is loaded with players on the escalator (Derek Anderson, Braylon Edwards, Kellen Winslow, stud tackle Joe Thomas), and that allows for a veteran back like Lewis to excel even as he's entering his eighth year. Opportunity? Lewis led the league in carries from the 5-and-in last year, and had a sneaky 248 yards through the air. Security? The Browns inked him to a three-year contract in February and didn't touch a running back in free agency or on draft day. Don't ask why with Lewis, ask why not. He can be a Top 10 back again. (SP)

Peyton Manning IND, QB – Round 1, Pick 11. If Funston found taking a QB in the first round so objectionable, seeing a second fly off the board just might send him running back to Bristol. I understand the rationale behind bargain hunting for a quarterback in Rounds 6-10, but I prefer the "set it and forget it" comfort that comes with having a guy like Manning (160 games played in 10 seasons; 28.5 TDs per season even when you factor out his 49-TD 2004 campaign) on board. I've got enough to worry about in Week 16 without sweating over deciding between Kurt Warner or Jon Kitna. Nothing can be said here that isn't already clear to validate Manning's standing at his position. (Matt Romig)

Frank Gore SF, RB – Round 1, Pick 12. New offensive coordinator Mike Martz doesn't have the pieces in place to completely scrap a traditional running game, so he'd be foolish not to build the offense around Gore as he promised to do when hired. Gore can catch the ball out of the backfield and pick up the blitz, so even in a Martzed-up Niners offense, he'll be a factor. SF (5 wins) and Gore (5 rushing TDs) both fell short of expectations in 2007. Gore still managed to be a top 10 fantasy back and should improve if – and maybe this is a big if – the team gets some continuity at the QB position.

Mark Cuban

Good man, that Mark Cuban...

source: http://www.sportsline.com/mlb/gamecenter/recap/MLB_20080430_MIL@CHC
Mark Cuban picked a good night to have a front-row seat at
Wrigley Field. Not only did his favorite baseball team break out of a slump, it
unleashed its most convincing beating in years.

Cuban's interest in buying the Cubs from Tribune is
no secret, but he apparently wasn't in the mood to talk to most members of the
media -- ESPN's Erin Andrews being the exception. Others had
been shooed away by an usher.